


nothing but a being of belief (burn this flame till you can't anymore)

by d_fenestrate



Series: spn s15 codas [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Coda, Dean's emotional, Episode: s15e02 Raising Hell, Gen, Hurt Dean Winchester, Season/Series 15 Spoilers, character introspection, there's no destiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2019-10-25
Packaged: 2021-01-02 20:20:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21167285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/d_fenestrate/pseuds/d_fenestrate
Summary: Free will. Choice. What Dean believed in was freedom, the liberty of chance that seemingly allowed them to sway their odds either way. What Dean believed in was their actions and efforts—his, Cas’, and Sam’s— that allowed them to garner the victories they had accumulated through time.To a point, Dean was a man of faith, shot down over and over again only to come back with more belief in “Team Free Will”. He was anchored, and despite the struggles, he was present in what he thought was reality.And then he arrived at that graveyard.And then Chuck happened.And there was no going back from that.alt; an exploration into Dean and his relationship with his faith and other outer factors





	nothing but a being of belief (burn this flame till you can't anymore)

**Author's Note:**

> hello!
> 
> here's another wed 3 am and edited in a 6 pm 3 hour class coda! probably not my best (what's new) but yeah i wanted to crank this one out 
> 
> also, excuse the ending. it was rushed bc i had to leave to speak at an event 
> 
> (also @ 15x03, i have too many emotions rn. it's going to take all 14 days to process that)

There’s a concept that humans are beings of faith. That they need something to believe in, to anchor themselves to reality. 

Dean Winchester was never particularly in dispute with the concept. He simply knew too much to fall for the blind faith characteristic of those he interacted with. What he believed in, was what was groomed over years and years of struggling, fighting, and winning. 

Free will. Choice. What Dean believed in was freedom, the liberty of chance that seemingly allowed them to sway their odds either way. What Dean believed in was their actions and efforts—his, Cas’, and Sam’s— that allowed them to garner the victories they had accumulated through time. 

To a point, Dean _was_ a man of faith, shot down over and over again only to come back with more belief in “Team Free Will”. He was anchored, and despite the struggles, he was present in what he thought was reality. 

And then he arrived at that graveyard. And Chuck happened, revealing his grand scheme of things, explaining his manipulation of their universe for his own pleasure. 

Free will. Chance. Freedom. All what Dean believed in fell apart as the “truth” became clear to him. 

Piece by piece, it all crumbled. 

Zombie-like creatures attacked them. Somehow they made it out. All the souls they had ever sent to hell terrorized them. Something they trapped them in. A demon, eerily close to Alistair and fond of Dean, took over Jack’s corpse, agonizing them. And somehow, they made it through. 

Or, least, Dean did. Or, maybe not. 

At the back of the Impala with Sam, Dean attended to the younger’s wound, pulling at nostalgia to brighten up the situation. While the attempt worked to a point, Dean’s ignorance of his own feelings shone through, seeping his confusion and anger into the conversation. Dean’s anchor was lost, rendering him vulnerable to a lot of what he’s typically able to ignore. 

And, it wasn’t a feeling he particularly enjoyed. 

  
It was Sam who first brought Dean back, giving him a taste of the faith that had still been chipping away at an increasing pace. 

“Yeah, well, what’s one more apocalypse, right?” Sam said with a scoff, the smile on his face a mix of disbelief and dry humor. When he noticed Dean staring at him, the younger continued. “But seriously, if we win—_when_ we win this, God’s gone. There’s no one to screw with us, there’s no more maze. It’s just us. And we’re free.” 

And there’ was that faith. _You and me. _That belief. It was just a spark, a flame, one that was weak but bright. 

“So you and me, verse every soul in hell?” Dean asked in responses, unmoving. He didn’t meet Sam’s eyes. The taller scoffed at the absurdity of their situation. 

The flame grew brighter. And Dean cocked his head. 

“I like those odds.” 

Turning his head, Sam looked at Dean, a smile creeping on his face. There seemed to be a semblance of relief laced in the grin. “Yeah, me too,” he replied, still smiling. 

The reassurance was all Dean needed to feel the warmth of his belief. Shoving the supplies from his hand to the trunk of the Impala, Dean readjusted his stance, examining the array of weapons. “So you know what that means…” he began, waiting for Sam to finish. 

Sam followed the others movements and faced the car. 

“… We’ve got work to do.” 

And Dean’s faith burned bright. 

The larger a flame grows, the more vulnerable it gets. 

Ghosts trapped with the warding failing, accompanied with Kevin’s ghost parading around from Hell extinguished the faith Dean had briefly regained. Again, he was met with a position of disbelief, betrayal, and frustration. The lack of an anchor sent him flying back to the place of vulnerability he so despised, with the only barrier between him and the emotions being the responsibility of saving the town. 

Again, Dean’ was no where near comfortable, causing him to instinctively mask his emotional disarray with anger. 

This time, it was Cas who brought Dean back, matching the hunter’s anger and emotions all at once. The angel started their interaction by bringing up Mary, misunderstanding the new wave of emotion Dean had been feeling. 

Betrayal. 

Doubt. 

Disbelief. 

When Dean said “Don’t,” he really hadn’t meant for Cas to stop talking with him. He really meant for the other to stop bringing up more and more occurrences of their near past that would stir up his emotional brigade more and more. 

Cas, lost in his own turmoil, found himself trying to level with Dean, still unable to pinpoint the sources of all that the hunter was throwing at him. Dean was speaking loudly, not necessarily yelling but also no necessarily conversing. 

For Dean, it was an act of snapping, reasoning with that vulnerability through his act of anger, pinpointing his frustration to everything but Cas, despite the direction of his words. Dean was anger, the hunter surmised, coming to terms with his storm as he looked into Cas’ eyes. He was angry, and the recognition of the emotion was even more overwhelming than the inability to discern it. 

So he stormed off, not wanting to give Cas the chance to reply and not wanting to give himself a chance to get lost in the wave of rage coarsing through him. 

But, in the brief moment of silence, Cas spoke, causing Dean to halt in his step. “Dean.” 

“You asked, what about all of this is real…” The angel continued, voice heavy. He turning to face the hunter. Dean, with his face still furrowed, did the same. And, they locked eyes, anger meeting frustration. 

“We are.” 

And there it was again. A brief moment of belief from Cas, just like Sam, to bring Dean down from his emotions.

Dean paused, looking Cas up and down, before heading out, the mask of anger still on his face. 

_We are. _

_We’ve got work to do._

** _We._ **

There it was again. Dean’s belief. Still quite weak and vulnerable. With the flame burning bright, the hunter found himself coming to terms with his emotions. 

Anger. 

Betrayal. 

Frustration. 

The comprehension of his own emotions and the re-ignition of his belief caused Dean to redirect his emotions towards the flame, using his own self-knowledge to his own advantage. 

_We. _He thought angrily as he walked through the camp. _We can do it._

Team Free Will. That’s what they were. Him and Sam and Cas. They had done it before, and they could do it again. 

_We will do it. Whatever we need to do. _

And at that moment, Dean Winchester believed again. 

**Author's Note:**

> hope you liked it! 
> 
> visit me @ tumblr/twitter @uselessspork


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